Me @ 29 = Me @ 9

I just watched a hilarious video of all the funny moments on the runway when a seemingly poised and glamorous model sashays down the ramp, poses, pirouettes and falls! I laughed my guts out and had to give in to the heartwarming feeling of watching them gather what remained of their pride, pick themselves up, give a little girly giggle and continue their walk. Spontaneous and dignified...

I remember being a little girl of 9, watching the Miss India 1994 pageant and idolising Aishwarya Rai. I practised my winning moment for hours, perfecting every graceful tilt of the head, the shocked expression at winning the crown, doing the graceful Beauty Queen walk holding a bouquet blowing out kisses to the ecstatic crowd...I was a pageant crazy kid. I wanted to go to Seychelles and do the fun activities with all the other girls from Philippines and Venezuela and Ghana. I wanted to perfect my swimsuit walk without risking a wedgie *ahem*. 

Not much has changed. Today I practise my winning moment for the Oscars or the Most Charismatic Buyers awards...I still practise "the walk" but I've now added "the speech" to this fantasy! It would have to be a witty speech, full of wisecracks and smart inserts. I would regale the audience with tales of my journey and infuse the speech with lots of intelligent humour. *Sigh* I'm so pleased with myself!

I've realised that the famous Kareena Kapoor line "Main apni favourite hoon" was written with me in mind! 

I guess I'll never really change. 20 years from now, my fantasy would have changed to probably an award for lifetime contribution to the field of fashion....   

Miscellaneous Musings

The Job: I know my hunt began a while ago and it has taken me all this time to realise what I'm truly capable of and interested in. I used to be very confused about what I'm really looking for, plagued by self doubt and absolutely unsure of where I'd finally end up. But the more time I spend in RBL, the more I learn - about myself as well as the role - and the better I get at discovering that I am indeed at a good place in life and I AM ready to move on. This is reinforced by my growing disregard for people's opinion of me as well as my increasingly astute powers to distinguish between who is truly worthy of my hero worship and who is actually just an overrated professional with more quantitative than qualitative contribution to the work place.

Friends: This is that phase in a girl's life when she starts to realise that her friends are starting to fly the nest. Things just aren't the same as before. The married ones have domestic responsibilities to shoulder and every meeting with them requires intense planning and confirming/reconfirming/following up until the meeting finally happens.The unmarried ones, if single would show up anywhere on the condition that their single status is not discussed, while the unmarried ones in a relationship would meet you on the condition that no marriage plans would be discussed. The career driven ones can be safely relied upon to cancel plans at the eleventh hour citing work issues as the reason while the entrepreneurs would always have a last minute meeting. It's just so complicated with us girls. I fall into the unmarried-in-a-relationship-career-driven category. Can you imagine the trouble my friends have had to put up with in my case? Despite all of this, my friends and I go way back. And when we do overcome all odds and manage to meet up, it's like we never parted....

Parents: My parents are not my friends. It's taken me 29 years to realise that parents can only be parents. My parents are the friendliest parents, but their parental duties always overpower their role as friends. And rightfully so. There is a reason God chose to put them in charge of my well being. They are stellar role models, they are selfless and giving and absolutely the best parents. But can I expect them to not worry about me, leave me alone when I need them to, expect them to stay out of my business but show their concern for me according to my whims and fancies? Absolutely not! Therefore, my parents are not my friends. I do not need to call and book their time weeks in advance, I do not expect them to be passive about my problems and there is certainly no fear of "losing touch" with them. Therefore, I need to have realistic expectations from my parents and learn how much to share with them and what to keep from them for their own well being.

I hate this season: Have I told you how much  I hate the monsoon? This year in particular has been the worst I can remember. Frogs in my bathroom, bed bugs in my room, ants in the kitchen and that strange, unbearable musty odour that keeping the doors and windows closed causes. Ugh! Can't wait for September...

I sign off with the hope that I do not have to wait until September to say goodbye to Mumbai, pray that God continues to be kind to me where people in my life are concerned and believe that I will be TT, the Buyer of an uber chic brand very soon with the blessings of my parents....

Adios! 

This is the year...

I did something I never thought I was capable of...I quit my job.

I know I'm quite the drama lover. I always fantasized about flinging my resignation in their faces and watching their reactions go from shock to confusion to panic! I also built up this thrilling scenario where they all call in a meeting just for me and try and come up with strategy after after brilliant strategy to retain me - their precious, talented, irreplaceable Buyer. Gave me a kick and a strange sense of justice for all the stress of the years gone by.

But to be true, I never quite believed I'd ever go through with it. I didn't think I had it in me to walk away without the security of another job. But I did it. They called it impulsive, hasty, emotional. I call it acting upon my instincts. For the first time in my life, I did this solely based on my own gut feeling. Sure, I consulted with the mother and the boyfriend. But finally, put in my papers because I said to myself "Do this because it feels right. Act now so that you can tell the universe you're ready for a change."

I'm 29. There are only 10 months left for the big 3-Oh. I need to know I can be happy with my decisions all on my own. I need to take control of my own life. I need to prove to myself that I'm capable of being strong, sticking to my guns and  start being the master of my destiny. More than anything else, now's the time to start looking at things clearly and making certain I can deal with my mistakes and learn from them instead of being afraid to make one wrong move.

This is the year. I either grow up now or stay hidden under blanket upon blanket of fear, doubt, guilt, shame, cowardice and worst of all, personality degrowth.

Here on, I power through life confidently and with conviction.